My psychiatrist asked me: "Are you hearing voices?”. My voices told me to say: "No". I was deep into my first psychotic episode which I would describe as a living nightmare. In my mind I was being followed and hunted down. It was like living on the brink of insanity. Things started to fall apart.
I had a very young child to support with my girlfriend, although I still lived at my flat alone. Sleep was a big problem as I was not getting any. I could not switch off. I used cannabis to try to help me to sleep. I was not eating much at all, just a couple of slices of toast in the morning and water. Having a major feeling that my job was ultimately important I would wake up with the alarm and really struggle, but always turn up for work.
I called my girlfriend who was no help and hit a low point. I visited the National Gallery on a day off and viewed ‘Sunflowers’ by Vincent Van Gogh. I remember wanting to cut it to pieces with some scissors thinking how impoverished he was and what he had been through and how much his work was now valued.
I woke up after minimal rest the next morning, basically collapsing with exhaustion.
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